Worst. Online Dating Headlines. Ever.

Worst. Online Dating Headlines. Ever.

Filed under rants

Mar 13

I decided that I need to get ‘out there’ and start dating again so I don’t turn into one of those wacked out single old ladies who have more cats than friends. I joined a few dating sites just to see ‘what was out there.’

Online dating in a sparsely populated area is tough. Literally, I have to put the search results at 200 miles away from my zip code just to get a list of people. One site seems to think that 4 hours away is considered “near me.” It’s laughable.

Anyway, Here are some headlines/ emails of some of the men who claimed to be ‘interested’ in me. I’ve paraphrased these a little bit to protect the guilty.

I like Nascar, huntin and quiet evenings spiting sunflower seeds off my porch.

Does that make the sunflower seed angry? One has to wonder what an angry sunflower seed does…Maybe that’s how the man eating plant in the Little Shop of Horrors was created.

Late 1968 model, with a little wear on the outside but well taken care of on the inside. Able to accommodate children.

I’m not kidding you, his entire description of himself was like that. Six paragraphs.

if you need a good man hear i am.

I can hear Marcia Brock, my English teacher from high school, rolling her eyes and turning in her grave as we speak.

(An email from a gentleman who claims to be 28.)
I want you to know that I prefer older women…

Sweetheart, you’re not going to get anywhere with that one. Even if she’s 90. AND HOLY SHIT I’M ONLY 38!!

i like country music and dancing i like movies romantic evenings i like doing karaoke cause i like to sing i like going to rodeos i like a variety of things i just like having fun i am looking for a woman with a sense of humor who has a variety of interests

That sentence just makes me dizzy. And I think I just heard Marcia Brock ~~gafaw~~ gaffaw.

I just want a good woman who doesn’t have all the drama. There are so many women in this world who think that is ok to go out with a man just to get dinner and a movie. Are there any good women left out there?

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

i just float around spreading kindness and radiating love unless threatened, and then i’d be more likely to just swim the other direction prefering a life of non-violence with the exception of protection, when i may be forced into some kind of actions. also i’m praticing selfless service and unconditional love/giving. also i like to write and i believe it shows a very positive side to me.

*squeezes the little part of her face between her nose and her forehead and sighs.*

4 Comments

4 Responses to “Worst. Online Dating Headlines. Ever.”

BillMan said on March 13th, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Not to be a pain (but I am anyway) I believe the word you were looking for was “guffaw.” Not having known her, I cannot comment on Marcia Brock’s reaction to this error.
Kstraw said on March 13th, 2010 at 6:47 pm

Somebody is blogging again….finally. Good to see your wit online again.
Erica said on March 13th, 2010 at 9:47 pm

Does that mean Man Number Two is able to become pregnant? Or does he unfold like a Transformer and turn into a school bus?
Heather said on March 14th, 2010 at 12:59 pm

@Bill – Good point, Bill. I can’t very well rant about other people’s spelling mistakes when I make them as well. Correction made.

@Erica – You know. I’m too scared to write him to find out.