Online dating in a sparsely populated area is tough. Literally, I have to put the search results at 200 miles away from my zip code just to get a list of people. One site seems to think that 4 hours away is considered “near me.” It’s laughable.

Anyway, Here are some headlines/ emails of some of the men who claimed to be ‘interested’ in me. I’ve paraphrased these a little bit to protect the guilty.

I like Nascar, huntin and quiet evenings spiting sunflower seeds off my porch.

Does that make the sunflower seed angry? One has to wonder what an angry sunflower seed does…Maybe that’s how the man eating plant in the Little Shop of Horrors was created.

Late 1968 model, with a little wear on the outside but well taken care of on the inside. Able to accommodate children.

I’m not kidding you, his entire description of himself was like that. Six paragraphs.

if you need a good man hear i am.

I can hear Marcia Brock, my English teacher from high school, rolling her eyes and turning in her grave as we speak.

(An email from a gentleman who claims to be 28.)
I want you to know that I prefer older women…

Sweetheart, you’re not going to get anywhere with that one. Even if she’s 90. AND HOLY SHIT I’M ONLY 38!!

i like country music and dancing i like movies romantic evenings i like doing karaoke cause i like to sing i like going to rodeos i like a variety of things i just like having fun i am looking for a woman with a sense of humor who has a variety of interests

That sentence just makes me dizzy. And I think I just heard Marcia Brock gafaw gaffaw.

I just want a good woman who doesn’t have all the drama. There are so many women in this world who think that is ok to go out with a man just to get dinner and a movie. Are there any good women left out there?

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

i just float around spreading kindness and radiating love unless threatened, and then i’d be more likely to just swim the other direction prefering a life of non-violence with the exception of protection, when i may be forced into some kind of actions. also i’m praticing selfless service and unconditional love/giving. also i like to write and i believe it shows a very positive side to me.

*squeezes the little part of her face between her nose and her forehead and sighs.*

I just figured out that I’m being played by someone close to me. The interesting thing is, I am not angry about it. I feel relief in knowing there is a game in the first place.

And more importantly, I feel relief in knowing that I can choose not to play, and by doing that I will piss the other person off immensely.

I was tempted to put up a remote camera and take pictures, but honestly just want to keep people away…no need to piss them off.

Instead I put a sign on the door clearly stating in English and Spanish that I do not sell the product they are looking for.

Thank god the lease on this place is over at the end of the month.

I bought Quicktime Pro. No problems getting through the cart process until I actually had to download the thing. I got a friendly email saying “After initial purchase, electronic software downloads and keys are available in the Account area of the Apple Store.” and gave me a link to go to the account area.

I get to the account area and all that is there is a registration key for the software I just downloaded. Fine. I copy the registration code and make ready to plug it into the register thing in the software. But it didn’t work. I tried again. No dice. Restarted the app. Nothing.

So I went back to the fore-mentioned ‘Account Area’ and find a nice little link at the top that said “Questions? Need Advice? Call 1-800-MY-APPLE | Chat Now”.

Now keep in mind, this ‘Need Advice Chat link’ is in the area of the site *after* you have purchased something. So basically, unless you purchase something, you can’t get to it. You MUST have already made a purchase to even get there. Keep that in mind while you read the conversation I had with the Apple rep below.

So I clicked the “Chat Now” link. This is the actual conversation.

* You are chatting with Judy, an Apple Expert
Hi, my name is Judy. Welcome to Apple!

Me: I’m in my download software purchase history. How do I download or update my software…I see the key for quicktime 7 pro but when I paste the key into my quicktime reader, nothing happens.

Judy: I am sorry to hear that. For assistance you can contact AppleCare and they will be able to further assist you.

Me: I am contacting Applecare…isn’t that you? All I need is help upgrading the software I just bought..I’m looking at the cart now.

Judy: This is sales.

Me: yes..and I just bought the quicktime pro..and I see the key..

Judy: I understand, however, if you are having problems with a product you have already purchased then you will need to contact AppleCare for assistance.

….some more back and forth …

Me: It seems counter productive to me that you guys have a “chat link in the “downloads history” if you cannot do anything to help. Why would you have a link in downloadable software area if you can’t help me? Does that make sense to you?

Judy: I am sorry you had difficulty. However, since this is sales we are not able to assist you with technical support issues from here…

Me: Am I the only one who sees the craziness of this situation?

Now, to be fair, Judy did actually dig up the link from the support area to get me help. But it was above and beyond what she, as a SALES support person, is supposed to do. Poor Judy shouldn’t have to deal with tech support issues and, really, she shouldn’t…if Apple just put the ‘tech support chat people link’ in the right place.

The thing is, I feel for Judy. She’ll probably report the issue to her superiors who will shrug it off. And then Judy will have to deal with some other irate customer like me.

Tech support people get no respect. Sad, too, considering they are the first person your company will probably work with closely.

Now, for those of you who don’t know what a Burquini is, it is basically a swimsuit for the modest Muslim woman. It covers you from head to toe and looks very similar to a full body wetsuit. Obviously the word comes from combining two words:‘Burqua’, the clothing worn by Muslim women to completely cover their body, and ‘Bikini’ to make ‘Burquini’.

[sidenote] Actually, the Burquini looks like something I should wear because I burn so easily under the sun. What an idea! I could go out and swim with everyone else without applying the sunscreen every 20 minutes…[/sidenote]

When asked what kind of swimsuit would be more hygienic and appropriate for the swimming pool, the French judge suggested something more along the lines of a more ‘normal French swimsuit’, such as the one below.

As you can see this swimsuit is much, much more hygienic than a Burquini.

Oh yeah. Much cleaner. That string covers it all.

Homer: We’ll search out every place a sick twisted solitary misfit might run to.
Lisa: I’ll start with Radio Shack.
–Simpsons – Treehouse of Horror VII

Why oh why do I ever go to Radio Shak for anything other than cables? Every time I’ve gone there to get anything related to computer equipment, the stuff never works. And yet I go back because it is convenient. Feh.

My mother just learned about Skype and she is all excited about the idea of being able to see the person you are talking to. Sort of like the future-istic telephone you saw on Star Trek and the Jetsons. So, I ran by the Radio Shak to get her and Dad basic web cams. I didn’t want anything complex or fancy..just a camera with a mike. Easy right?

Neither one of the web camera software cd’s that came with either of the web cams would even register on the computer as having anything on them. Heck, the DVD drive didn’t even show up in My Computer. So, I went to the Radio Shak site to download the software. Downloaded the software, ran it, and

Nothing.

The only thing about this entire process that I am grateful for is that I was actually at Dad’s computer trying to do all this myself instead of trying to talk him through it on the phone. While my Dad is very intelligent and good at many things, double clicking on the computer mouse is still a relatively new concept for him. But like Mom says “I can’t raise Soybeans to save my soul.”

I think the thing that gets me is that I really want to believe in Radio Shak. I want to think that maybe, possibly, a little store could do better than the huge Fry’s computer type warehouses. So far, however, it hasn’t happened. Their computer stuff is always crap. Always Always.

Thing is, I’ve never had to set up a web cam because my little Macbook — the cheapest one that Apple sells no less — came with the web cam already installed. I love that Apple just does stuff like this and I don’t have to mess with drivers and hardware that may or may now work.

Here I am all excited to post about my friend Hans coming to visit me this last month and then I try to work with my images and I can’t find any of them.  Well, it turns out that if you use Shoebox as your photo organizer AND you try to  move photos outside of the program — that is you move them in the Mac OS, you will screw everything up and you can’t find anything.  Oh, the photos are there, but they are scattered all over hell and back.

OK..so I looked at the help files.  The help files in Shoebox say that if you do happen to move the photos using the operating system instead of through the program, you can fix things simply by “Importing the new file into Shoebox.”

Well, that short of works.  Except that the new “top” file is called “Imported”… and it fucks up the old file system you so neatly set up.

So instead of your files being by date  — Say February 23, 2009 — like this:

2009 > 02 > 23

You have

Imported > 2009 >02 >23

And your “2009 > 02 > 23″  file is full of broken images.  This doesn’t really help matters.  Add to the fact that Shoebox express won’t import more than 1,000 images is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae.

So I upgraded to Shoebox Pro and was told in my nice paypal screen that all I need to do is start up Shoebox and my program will auto register and download the new program.  That didn’t happen, so I tried to download the “Pro” program manually but was told to buy the program again.

All of this has given me a headache.  Thankfully, Hans was kind enough to leave me some German chocolates and beer which I will eat/ drink to sooth my nerves.  I’ll try to tackle this tomorrow.

I installed the airhorn and gave one satisfying blast, then put more air into it to record the sound for the blog entry and … nothing.

I fiddled with the lines, put more air into it, and nothing. And Nashbar’s customer service isn’t taking calls until tomorrow.

So, the whole thing won’t be finished until tomorrow, or possibly later if I need to send the airhorn back. At least the bike is back in working order, and I do have the golf balls mounted, so I’ve got *something* other than just my voice.

Feh.

Why does CareerBuilder Suck?

I uploaded my resume to CareerBuilder.com yesterday and was pleased to find a load of emails in my box today. I was pissed when most of them started like this

Dear Heather,

I am a District Manager for XYZ Company looking for a successful, business-minded individual with a strong desire for personal growth, career fulfillment, and financial success. Based on my initial review of your resume, I believe you may be an excellent fit for our Career Opportunity in sales with XYZ Company.

Some business marketing fluff here …

Income Potential:
Currently, each of our team members owns his or her own business and is very successful. The top team member earns over $350,000 and the average income for the team of 30 agents is over $125,000. You control your own destiny with XYZ Company. Your earning potential is unlimited!

Qualifications:
We require highly motivated individuals willing to invest their time and energy into creating a profitable and rewarding business. You must have a desire to succeed, have an independent spirit and strong work ethic.

Bla bla bla. Here’s another one:

Business Opportunity
ARE YOU READY FOR A CHANGE? DO YOU OWN YOUR LIFE?

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to “Own Your Life?”
This is what we think it means to “Own Your Life:”
When you subtract out the sleeping time, commuting time, working time and things you have to do each and every day of your life, most people don’t have more than one to two hours a day to do what they would like to do; and then, would you have the money to do it?

*sigh*

I also received a phone call this morning that went something like this

Me: “This is Heather.”

Super Happy Voice: “Hi, we are with ABC Financial Company and we found your resume on Career builder and we were super interested in your qualifications. We were wondering if you’re be interested in an interview tomorrow.”

Me: “Um, OK.”

S.H.V.: “GREAT! We have one interview spot left at 9AM tomorrow.”

Me: “One ~spot~ left? Can you tell me if the position is for Internet Marketing Manager or is it just Search Engine Optimization, or what is it?”

S.H.V.: *Puzzled silence*

Me:”Hello?”

S.H.V.: “I’m not sure what you’re asking, but we’re looking for highly motivated individuals willing to invest their time and energy into creating a profitable and rewarding business.”

Me: *sigh* “So…did you even *read* my resume? Do you know what Search Engine Marketing is?

S.H.V. (who is not so happy now, and actually a little irritated.) “Well, we have one interview position left tomorrow morning at 9AM. Can you be here?”

Me: “No. I’ve got a prior appointment.”

S.H.V. “Fine.” *Phone goes dead.*

Basically, from what I can figure out, CareerBuilder sells everyone’s email and phone number in giant lists to ‘cattle call sales type’ ventures who then spam your box with crap and waste your cell phone minutes.

No thank you.

God only knows how much more spam I will receive from this.

*The following is old school spam just for search engines. It will do absolutely nothing to the ranking of Careerbuilder, and won’t even rank for ‘Careerbuilder sucks’ but it will at least make me feel like I’m doing something to go up against ‘the man’. And, old school stuff like this is just a laugh.*

Careerbuilder sucks
Careerbuilder sucks
Careerbuilder sucks
Careerbuilder sucks