GreenEye Wire

I decided that I need to get ‘out there’ and start dating again so I don’t turn into one of those wacked out single old ladies who have more cats than friends. I joined a few dating sites just to see ‘what was out there.’

Online dating in a sparsely populated area is tough. Literally, I have to put the search results at 200 miles away from my zip code just to get a list of people. One site seems to think that 4 hours away is considered “near me.” It’s laughable.

Anyway, Here are some headlines/ emails of some of the men who claimed to be ‘interested’ in me. I’ve paraphrased these a little bit to protect the guilty.

I like Nascar, huntin and quiet evenings spiting sunflower seeds off my porch.

Does that make the sunflower seed angry? One has to wonder what an angry sunflower seed does…Maybe that’s how the man eating plant in the Little Shop of Horrors was created.

Late 1968 model, with a little wear on the outside but well taken care of on the inside. Able to accommodate children.

I’m not kidding you, his entire description of himself was like that. Six paragraphs.

if you need a good man hear i am.

I can hear Marcia Brock, my English teacher from high school, rolling her eyes and turning in her grave as we speak.

(An email from a gentleman who claims to be 28.)
I want you to know that I prefer older women…

Sweetheart, you’re not going to get anywhere with that one. Even if she’s 90. AND HOLY SHIT I’M ONLY 38!!

i like country music and dancing i like movies romantic evenings i like doing karaoke cause i like to sing i like going to rodeos i like a variety of things i just like having fun i am looking for a woman with a sense of humor who has a variety of interests

That sentence just makes me dizzy. And I think I just heard Marcia Brock gafaw gaffaw.

I just want a good woman who doesn’t have all the drama. There are so many women in this world who think that is ok to go out with a man just to get dinner and a movie. Are there any good women left out there?

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

i just float around spreading kindness and radiating love unless threatened, and then i’d be more likely to just swim the other direction prefering a life of non-violence with the exception of protection, when i may be forced into some kind of actions. also i’m praticing selfless service and unconditional love/giving. also i like to write and i believe it shows a very positive side to me.

*squeezes the little part of her face between her nose and her forehead and sighs.*

I don’t play games. I just don’t. I’m not sure if I’m not smart enough to manipulate people that way, or I just don’t care for it. Probably both. So when I get played, I usually don’t figure it out until after I’ve been played.

I just figured out that I’m being played by someone close to me. The interesting thing is, I am not angry about it. I feel relief in knowing there is a game in the first place.

And more importantly, I feel relief in knowing that I can choose not to play, and by doing that I will piss the other person off immensely.

Apparently, the Local Pot Dealer has moved out of the apartment complex because I’ve had many a visitor come knocking on my door. This apartment was vacated last year because the guy who was here before me was dealing. Thankfully he was dealing only pot…I’d have flat refused the place if it was anything else — pot heads are fairly mellow. That being said, I do keep a Beecher’s Bible — 45 pocket testament edition –  if the need arises.

I was tempted to put up a remote camera and take pictures, but honestly just want to keep people away…no need to piss them off.

Instead I put a sign on the door clearly stating in English and Spanish that I do not sell the product they are looking for.

Thank god the lease on this place is over at the end of the month.

I love my mac. And usually, I only have nice things to say about Apple and their products as a whole. Not this time…

I bought Quicktime Pro. No problems getting through the cart process until I actually had to download the thing. I got a friendly email saying “After initial purchase, electronic software downloads and keys are available in the Account area of the Apple Store.” and gave me a link to go to the account area.

I get to the account area and all that is there is a registration key for the software I just downloaded. Fine. I copy the registration code and make ready to plug it into the register thing in the software. But it didn’t work. I tried again. No dice. Restarted the app. Nothing.

So I went back to the fore-mentioned ‘Account Area’ and find a nice little link at the top that said “Questions? Need Advice? Call 1-800-MY-APPLE | Chat Now”.

Now keep in mind, this ‘Need Advice Chat link’ is in the area of the site *after* you have purchased something. So basically, unless you purchase something, you can’t get to it. You MUST have already made a purchase to even get there. Keep that in mind while you read the conversation I had with the Apple rep below.

So I clicked the “Chat Now” link. This is the actual conversation.

* You are chatting with Judy, an Apple Expert
Hi, my name is Judy. Welcome to Apple!

Me: I’m in my download software purchase history. How do I download or update my software…I see the key for quicktime 7 pro but when I paste the key into my quicktime reader, nothing happens.

Judy: I am sorry to hear that. For assistance you can contact AppleCare and they will be able to further assist you.

Me: I am contacting Applecare…isn’t that you? All I need is help upgrading the software I just bought..I’m looking at the cart now.

Judy: This is sales.

Me: yes..and I just bought the quicktime pro..and I see the key..

Judy: I understand, however, if you are having problems with a product you have already purchased then you will need to contact AppleCare for assistance.

….some more back and forth …

Me: It seems counter productive to me that you guys have a “chat link in the “downloads history” if you cannot do anything to help. Why would you have a link in downloadable software area if you can’t help me? Does that make sense to you?

Judy: I am sorry you had difficulty. However, since this is sales we are not able to assist you with technical support issues from here…

Me: Am I the only one who sees the craziness of this situation?

Now, to be fair, Judy did actually dig up the link from the support area to get me help. But it was above and beyond what she, as a SALES support person, is supposed to do. Poor Judy shouldn’t have to deal with tech support issues and, really, she shouldn’t…if Apple just put the ‘tech support chat people link’ in the right place.

The thing is, I feel for Judy. She’ll probably report the issue to her superiors who will shrug it off. And then Judy will have to deal with some other irate customer like me.

Tech support people get no respect. Sad, too, considering they are the first person your company will probably work with closely.

The Burquini for the modest Muslim woman. Or, for those of us who burn easily.

Now, for those of you who don’t know what a Burquini is, it is basically a swimsuit for the modest Muslim woman. It covers you from head to toe and looks very similar to a full body wetsuit. Obviously the word comes from combining two words:‘Burqua’, the clothing worn by Muslim women to completely cover their body, and ‘Bikini’ to make ‘Burquini’.

[sidenote] Actually, the Burquini looks like something I should wear because I burn so easily under the sun. What an idea! I could go out and swim with everyone else without applying the sunscreen every 20 minutes…[/sidenote]

When asked what kind of swimsuit would be more hygienic and appropriate for the swimming pool, the French judge suggested something more along the lines of a more ‘normal French swimsuit’, such as the one below.

As you can see this swimsuit is much, much more hygienic than a Burquini.

Oh yeah. Much cleaner. That string covers it all.